Book Series’ to Kill a Few Months

I love a good book series. Something that I can get lost in for months, eating up the stories of these characters that I’ve spent so much time with. And then the series ends, and you feel a little lost for a few hours, and you curse the author, and you curse the person who recommended these books to you for giving you something to love that will eventually die. Like a puppy; puppies will eventually die.

Here are some puppies for you.0978038531995_500X500

1. Outlander

This one is for the people who love historical fiction. Not the historical fiction that includes pirates and wenches fornicating on a deserted island, but actual historical fiction that is based on actual history. This one is based in Scotland. And France. And the Caribbean. And America. And there are pirates, but the ugly kind, not the Johnny Depp kind. I promise, it’s awesome.

2. The Vampire Chronicles

Whether you like vampires or not, Anne Rice does them well. No sparkling, no sex, just fierce attacks and severe emotions. My introduction to The Vampire Chronicles was not Interview with the Vampire, but The Vampire Lestat, which I still maintain is the best; it tells the life story of Lestat as a human as well as a vampire, giving you a well-rounded point of view on life as a vampire. Also, Lestat is not a whiny bitch like Louis (in Interview with the Vampire), and you actually like him as he kills people. It’s a strange feeling, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.

3. Sookie Stackhouse

Is it good literature? No. Is it entertaining? Yes. There are about 11 books in the series (probably more since I read it), but they are all pretty quick reads. This series is very different from the show after the first book, so don’t get your hopes up if you love True Blood.

4. Game of Thrones

Yes, we all know about the sex-filled HBO show. Treat yourself to a more in-depth look at the characters by reading the books instead. It will make you look smart, and much less pervy.

5. The Dark Tower Series

Stephen King at his best, The Dark Tower series is creepy, well-written, and just a wicked adventure. If you love Stephen King or have never read him, this is a fantastic series.

Notice that books that you see all over Pinterest are not here (Harry Potter, Hunger Games, Lord of the Rings, etc.). That’s because you know about them. If you are going to read them, you would have done it already. If you don’t want to read them, you probably like Twilight.

Mistaken Wonder

Spam Haikus. Learn to enjoy them.

Your greatest wish is
A secret and mistaken
Offer of wonder.

Your Greatest Wish

Shows You Should Start Watching to Help You Relate to Your Nerdy Friends

Nerds love to create fandoms over things – movies, television shows, actors, whatever. Cool kids generally don’t get it when we make references to weeping angels and Walkers, call ourselves Cumberbabes, and refer to awesome things as “shiny”. Get a NetFlix account and watch these shows – you will finally understand our world and phrases.

1tardisdoctor. Doctor Who

Having a huge comeback lately, Doctor Who is not just for nerdy people – cool kids watch it too. Of course, it tends to make you nerd out about the awesome storylines and connections back to previous episodes or seasons, but that’s beside the point. I suggest starting with Blink, and then beginning with the start of the reboot – it will give you an idea of the awesome and help you get past the horrible special effects of the first few seasons.

2. Game of Thrones

Anybody should be able to like this show, unless you’re offended by massive amounts of blood, carnage, and breasts. Interested? I thought so.

3. The Walking Dead

Zombies.

4. Sherlock

Forget the US version, the BBC take on Sherlock (written by the same guy who currently writes Doctor Who, if you needed any convincing) has beautifully complex stories and not a few one liners and gay jokes.syfy_face_off

5. Face Off

The only time you will see me talking positively about a reality show is Face Off. This show is, for a lack of a better word, amazing. It is a reality competition between professional makeup artists, and the things they create are jsut incredible. If you love horror movies and monsters, this is right up your alley.

6. Supernatural

Attractive gentlemen fighting monsters and almost dying. What more could you ask for?

7. The Guild

While technically not on TV, you can find The Guild on NetFlix, so it counts on here. Following the lives of some World of Warcraft-esque nerds, this show is fantastic to watch with people. Each season is less than an hour long, so it’s easy to watch, and there are more than just nerd-funny references.firefly

8. Firefly

Yes, it only had one season. Yes, it got cancelled due to scheduling problems by Fox. Yes, it is still the greatest show you will watch. Ain’t it just?

9. Downton Abbey

In case you haven’t noticed, nerds like the BBC (I think it’s the sexy accents). While not generally a show that men would get into, Downton Abbey has a lot of historical elements and snarky remarks by Maggie Smith.

#UnRomanticRhymes

So, it’s Valentine’s Day, and whether you love love or hate love, I think we can all agree on one thing: Neil Gaiman is awesome. Take a few moments to cheer yourself up by reading #UnRomanticRhymes – whether it makes you feel smug because you have someone, or less alone, it will definitely change your mood.

Unromantic Rhymes

I Need to Feel Your Body in the Night

I need to feel your body in the night.

Not pressed to mine, the cramping

skin on skin of lust and sweat,

but the knowledge of your body

being warmed by mine,

keeping me aligned

on the bed

in the equilibrium

of our connected bodies.

Tips for Men – How NOT to Propose

Every girl (and some men) loves to hear a thoroughly romantic story – one of those sweep-you-off-your-feet, home run, over-the-moon kind of stories. Even better than hearing one is being able to tell one yourself. No one wants to tell their grandkids that grandpa proposed in the parking lot of McDonald’s – that’s a story that will leave you sitting in an overheated car alone, just you and your cheap sapphire ring.

Don’t let that be you.

1. Do not choose a holiday. I don’t care who you are, proposing on Valentine’s Day/Christmas/New Year’s is just tacky. Holidays are special in themselves – pick another day to make special. (Side note: if her birthday is near Christmas, do not combo gift her engagement ring as both. Why? Because it’s something you would have gotten her anyway, and combining two big events into one gift just says that you didn’t want to buy another gift.)

2. Food is overrated. I don’t know why this even needs to be said, but food is an awful way to propose to someone. Stereotypes aside, that’s a dang CHOKING hazard. “Honey, I love you so much. Will you marry me?” “HERRRRGG!!!” Plus, proposing over dinner is not special and romantic – it feels like an afterthought.

3. Pick a good ring. At the very least, you should know what kind of metal your girlfriend (or boyfriend – I’m not here to judge) prefers. If you can’t choose between white or yellow gold, you probably shouldn’t be getting married. Learn from Sex and the City, men: Pick a good ring. And ignore the cheesy pitches in the video.

4. Get a photographer. Whether he’s hidden, or comes out for photos after, these are pictures that she will want to remember. They’re your first engagement photos – make them count.

5. Don’t cheap out. Wal-Mart is great for getting a deal, but it’s not the place to go for an engagement ring. Supposedly there is a formula for how much you spent (1-3 month’s wages, or something of that sort), but the actual amount doesn’t matter. Just know that this ring is supposed to last forever, so buy it from a place that will ensure that it does.

6. Give it a little thought. You don’t have to have all of your friends and family lip-sync to “I think I wanna marry you,” like this guy, but it should be something at least somewhat thought out. On a trip,  a romantic picnic, a scavenger hunt, whatever. Just pick something that will be meaning ful for her. And, if it’s something you can repeat  on an anniversary, all the better (then she’ll think it’s super romantic, and you won’t have to think very hard about how to celebrate).

7. Be yourself. Do something that is symbolic of the two of you and the life you will have together; that’s what will make her say yes.

I Judge You By What You Feed Your Dog

Having, in a former life, worked at a pet food store, I have become a bit of a snob when it comes to dog food. Don’t get me wrong, I still give my dog treats and let him eat food that hit the floor. I just refuse to feed any animal something that they are allergic to, weed killer, or euthanized animals.

Yes, your dog food has euthanized animals in it.

I'm eating what?!?

I’m eating what?!?

Commonly referred to on labels as “animal digest” (and what animal is this? Chicken? Cow? Dog? Nobody knows, and Iams isn’t telling), this broad and disgusting term covers sick animals, road kill, and even euthanized pets.

No thank you.

So the next time someone gives you a dirty look for picking up the giant bag of Science Diet, at the grocery store, don’t worry. It’s probably just me.

Judging you.